Has It Been 10 Years Already?

Ten years ago today, I was laying on my bedroom floor texting this guy. We had been friends for over a year. A year of people telling us that we needed to start dating, that we were meant for each other. During that texted conversation, I told him I wanted to be more than friends... and asked if he wanted the same. He said yes. The rest is history. I guess!

The past ten years have been NO WHERE near perfect. In fact, for the majority of those years, we were a hot mess! We weren't just a mess in our relationship, but individually as well. I was getting over someone who had hurt me, deeply. He was getting over someone who broke his trust and he doubted everything I did. I came from an upper-middle class family who was present, supportive, and involved. He came from a lower-class family who was absent, indifferent, and un-involved. We really couldn't have been more opposite of each other.

Something happened though, when I met him in 2003. I was training him on policies at Media Play. He looked at me, and I just felt funny. The more I talked to him, the more I wanted to be around him. Then one day I heard him make an offhand comment, after seeing a guy be disrespectful to his wife or girlfriend. He said, "I would never treat you that way." I looked at him and I knew that he never would. I also knew that I didn't want to be with anyone else but him for the rest of my life, despite our differences. He had me even before we started dating.

He was so quiet and mysterious, and I was drawn in. He started calling me his wife at work, even before we were officially dating. I thought it was cute, so I started calling him my husband. Again, it just felt right.

It's easy to say when you look back you knew you were meant to be. I always say that I knew it, but really, I just knew that I was drawn to him. I was worried that we would never work because we were so different.

Because we are so different is why we work so well. All those bad things about myself that I hate? He makes up for them, and has the opposite inside him. All those bad things about him? I make up for them, opposite of him. We balance.

We've grown so much in the past 10 years. I wouldn't even know that girl back in 2004 or that guy I started dating!

The best thing about our relationship is that it's real. We aren't perfect, but we give 100% to each other. He's my person. He's my best friend. 10 years later, we are stronger than ever. As the years have passed, our relationship has just improved. I can't imagine what we'll be like in another 10, 20, or 50 years from now. Hopefully we'll have kids and grandkids that think our love is something special.

We do have something special, and we protect it. It's ours. Here's to the next 10 years (This time married all 10 of them! ;)

6 months later

As of the end of this week, (July 5) it will have been 6 months since I started this journey to a healthier lifestyle. The past 6 months have been challenging in more ways than I can count, and I've learned a lot about myself.

I've dealt with two FULL months of having a period. This was due to my body becoming healthy and trying to regulate my menstrual cycle. Up until this journey, my periods were irregular (3 per year on average). During this time, my weight loss slowed. This is mostly due to water gain and bloating, and inability to exercise as hard as I was before. It was really difficult in more ways that just the exercise; I wanted to EAT my cravings, but didn't. So, luckily, after the second full month of menstruating, the doctor assumed that my body was regular and I would resume my 31 day cycle.

WRONG.
On a Tuesday afternoon at work, I was experiencing sharp stabbing pains in my upper abdomen, right below my sternum. I went to the bathroom and was urinating orange. I immediately called my doctor and was told to go to the emergency room. So I left, calling my mom and husband to let them know I was worried and that my doctor thought my gallbladder was to blame. I assumed I would be having surgery or something within hours.

I arrived at the emergency room, was asked to provide a urine sample and then ushered to my room. I sat and waited a while, and my mom and husband kept me company. After an hour, a doctor came in and asked if they were free to share information in front of my family. I would be telling them everything anyway, so I said sure. My doctor said that my gallbladder was fine, and all the tests came back normal.

But I was pregnant. My mom immediately shouted with joy; my husband and I were somewhat in shock. While we have been "trying" for two years, I knew that my weight/not being healthy had much to do with us not getting pregnant. The fact that it had happened within 3 months of starting my weight loss journey was surreal.

The next 6 weeks I was SICK as a dog. I had to stop on the side of the freeway a few times to vomit. I was at work talking with consumers and parents one minute, in the bathroom getting sick the next. It was a rollercoaster that I was overjoyed to be on.

I kept walking, but not working out as heavily as I was before. I wanted to keep my body healthy and prepared to carry a baby. Everyday I walked 1-5 miles, depending on how much energy I had. Every day at lunch I walked at work.

I had my six week appointment with the OB, and they did an ultrasound. There on the screen we were able to see our little bean, baby number two, the completion of our family. We were pretty excited.

One week before my ten week appointment, I felt a change in myself. Every Saturday since I found out I was pregnant, I was DEATHLY sick. It was so bad, I had no energy and didn't want to get out of bed. Then, all of the sudden, I was fine. I instantly thought the early pregnancy symptoms were going away.... but deep down, I knew.

At my ten week appointment, they did another ultrasound because I had reported some bleeding. Sure enough, the baby had stopped growing.

In my head, I rationalized: everything happens for a reason. But my heart was broken. I left the doctor's office and had to go to work. I had to face people and wasn't ready, so I shared by sadness with the people I am closest with and asked them for support. I went home that night and cried for hours. It was the only time I cried. I did let myself eat bad. I wasn't allowed to work out, so that stress reliever was gone, so I had to eat. In the two weeks following, I gained four pounds. I gave myself a deadline for feeling sorry for myself, and once that day came, I was done. I started working out heavily.

In the first week after I was cleared to exercise, I lost 11lbs (but since I gained 4, I really lost 7). In the second week I lost 4.... and I just kept going.

I ran my first 5k a week and a half ago, and since I've discovered running is something I enjoy. Last Saturday I officially became a runner, and now I obsessed. As soon as something upsets me or my emotions get the best of me, I instantly want to run. My obsession with food has officially been replaced.

Now here I am, six months after the start of this journey. I've been thrown so many curve balls, but I keep going; that is how I know I won't go back. I've hit my 80lbs by the end of June; down 4 pant sizes; 27 inches lost overall. I am more proud of myself now, than I have ever been. I can't wait to see what I pull off by the end of the year. Though I've been handed blessing, and tragedy, the biggest blessing I've been given is that of my health. I do have confidence that one day soon, we will complete our family. Until then, I will just keep running.

50lbs to go. :)

New Years Resolution, Three Months Later....

As of Sunday, it will be three full months since I made a commitment to myself to be a better person through exercise and healthy eating. As of today I have lost 51 lbs, just 4lbs shy of my goal. I can't really complain though, my body has tossed some curve balls, and I've adjusted to them.

Over the past few months I've leaned the following:
1. To lose weight, your diet affects your success more than the work that you put in.
2. My body really, REALLY, does not like sugar! Anytime I eat some, and not because I am craving it, I get extremely sick! I ate a piece of cake for my birthday and I thought I was going to die! I was attempting to induce vomiting I was in so much pain. It was awful.
3. I have to give in to my cravings once in a while to avoid a "relapse" or a "binge". I've learned that when my body wants nachos and cheese, I better eat some. If I avoid it, the craving grows and grows until I get out of control and eat way more than I need to in order to satisfy my craving.
4. I don't beat myself up when I do eat something outside of my normal diet and/or it's something that is not healthy. I go out with friends once a month and I eat whatever I want.... and I let it go. One meal wont kill me, so why fret over it?
5. My body needs more meat and vegetables than it does anything else. I probably could live off meat and vegetables alone.

I've lost a total of 20 inches overall. I am down two pant sizes.

I have many things to be proud of!
Here is to the next three months! My next goal is to be down 80lbs by the end of June.

My body is frustrating!

In January of 2014; I told myself I was done feeling terrible. Done being ashamed of how I looked and done using food as a coping mechanism.

So I changed. I started eating the right portions, watching my calories and moving. Moving a lot. Since January 6, I have lost 40lbs.

I should be proud of my weight loss, and I am. For the past 17 days however, my body has been a source of frustration and anger. One of the downfalls of being overweight is losing your menstrual cycle. I was always consistent in the past, then I had my son and it went all out of whack. In the 4 years that he's been alive, I've had a handful of periods, and usually they are because my doctor gives me progesterone to make one happen. They last a long time and are very painful.... so I just stopped telling the doctor and let myself be.

Now that I've lost 40lbs, my body wants to be healthy and so my period is back with vengeance! I've been on my period for 17 days! In those 17 days I've also had the worst of the worst period symptoms. I've kept moving and exercising and eating right..... but I also haven't lost a pound. It's so frustrating. I keep telling myself that it's because I am on my period and all I can think is, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHY WONT THIS THING END!?" I want to get on the scale and know that I am still making progress. My motivation is falling apart because of this stupid period.

So I am going to go hike a few miles, do some yoga and crunches and keep going.... but really I want to give in right now. I want to eat bad and I want to quit. I feel defeated. 17 days of no change is hard. It's frustrating.... but I can get over it.

For The Love of a Dog....

Things in life that are constant: life, death and taxes. Death always hurts us, but yet, we go out and get a dog anyway. We give him/her all our love, knowing that the end result will be death eventually. It doesn't stop you from loving the dog just the same.

In my life I've lost two dogs that I loved dearly: my childhood dog, Fred and as of today, my dog of my teenage/college/life transitions years, Chip. Both were labs, and both were just as ornery as labs get.

The thing about dogs is, they fill that place in your soul that no human can. It's that unconditional love, devotion, and loyalty that makes them the best companion of all. I am crying as I write this, but selfishly. I know it was time. It wasn't fair to keep her here when her body had given up.

We got Chip in 2000, when she was 4 months old. I was working at Media Play and didn't even know that I'd come home to this wonderful dog. She was hiding under the kitchen table and we were trying to get her to come out. She eventually did, and I remember holding her in my lap, petting her as we talked about what to name her. She was a chocolate lab, so something along the lines of her color kept getting tossed about. We decided on Chocolate Chip, or Chip. Chip was a lover, a fighter, a protector, a friend, a hunter, and just as playful as a pup even when she was 13 years old. 

It occurred to me tonight that I will never get to call her into the hall, and make her lay with me. I think she liked to lay with me, but she would get annoyed after a few minutes and try to claw me to death. But in those few minutes we were laying together, I felt like I was home. 

I also thought about how I am never going to see her try to sneak. Dogs are meant to be well trained in my family and Chip was very aware of rules and boundaries. One of my favorite memories of her will always be her "whale jump" onto the couch. She was told "No paws on the couch." Instead of jumping onto the couch with her paws, she'd tuck them back and look like a whale jumping out of the water as she tried to reach us on the couch. She still got in trouble for that. 

I also thought about how, for the first time in 13 years, I will have a spring where I am not encouraging Chip to hunt. Chip was a hunter, mostly moles, but she'd hunt anything really. The best is when we would say, "Get it Chip! Get it!" Chip would run faster, sniff harder, and dig faster to get the moles. 

Chip was so strong and playful, typical lab. One of our favorite games with her was to take a rope and play tug of war. I remember her pulling my brother down the hall, dead weight! She was a beast!

Chip always had ear issues and one of her favorite things was to have her ears rubbed. Sitting at my parents house now, without being knocked over by Chip's massive head looking for an ear massage will definitely be different.  The days will be different without her here. No more tug of wars, no more ear massages. No whale jumps or awkward cuddle-fests on the floor.  A piece of my heart belonged to a chocolate lab named Chip; a part of my heart that she earned when I was 17, knowing that it would only end in death. I loved her anyway because she was my friend. She was the best dog I've ever had.