6 months later

As of the end of this week, (July 5) it will have been 6 months since I started this journey to a healthier lifestyle. The past 6 months have been challenging in more ways than I can count, and I've learned a lot about myself.

I've dealt with two FULL months of having a period. This was due to my body becoming healthy and trying to regulate my menstrual cycle. Up until this journey, my periods were irregular (3 per year on average). During this time, my weight loss slowed. This is mostly due to water gain and bloating, and inability to exercise as hard as I was before. It was really difficult in more ways that just the exercise; I wanted to EAT my cravings, but didn't. So, luckily, after the second full month of menstruating, the doctor assumed that my body was regular and I would resume my 31 day cycle.

WRONG.
On a Tuesday afternoon at work, I was experiencing sharp stabbing pains in my upper abdomen, right below my sternum. I went to the bathroom and was urinating orange. I immediately called my doctor and was told to go to the emergency room. So I left, calling my mom and husband to let them know I was worried and that my doctor thought my gallbladder was to blame. I assumed I would be having surgery or something within hours.

I arrived at the emergency room, was asked to provide a urine sample and then ushered to my room. I sat and waited a while, and my mom and husband kept me company. After an hour, a doctor came in and asked if they were free to share information in front of my family. I would be telling them everything anyway, so I said sure. My doctor said that my gallbladder was fine, and all the tests came back normal.

But I was pregnant. My mom immediately shouted with joy; my husband and I were somewhat in shock. While we have been "trying" for two years, I knew that my weight/not being healthy had much to do with us not getting pregnant. The fact that it had happened within 3 months of starting my weight loss journey was surreal.

The next 6 weeks I was SICK as a dog. I had to stop on the side of the freeway a few times to vomit. I was at work talking with consumers and parents one minute, in the bathroom getting sick the next. It was a rollercoaster that I was overjoyed to be on.

I kept walking, but not working out as heavily as I was before. I wanted to keep my body healthy and prepared to carry a baby. Everyday I walked 1-5 miles, depending on how much energy I had. Every day at lunch I walked at work.

I had my six week appointment with the OB, and they did an ultrasound. There on the screen we were able to see our little bean, baby number two, the completion of our family. We were pretty excited.

One week before my ten week appointment, I felt a change in myself. Every Saturday since I found out I was pregnant, I was DEATHLY sick. It was so bad, I had no energy and didn't want to get out of bed. Then, all of the sudden, I was fine. I instantly thought the early pregnancy symptoms were going away.... but deep down, I knew.

At my ten week appointment, they did another ultrasound because I had reported some bleeding. Sure enough, the baby had stopped growing.

In my head, I rationalized: everything happens for a reason. But my heart was broken. I left the doctor's office and had to go to work. I had to face people and wasn't ready, so I shared by sadness with the people I am closest with and asked them for support. I went home that night and cried for hours. It was the only time I cried. I did let myself eat bad. I wasn't allowed to work out, so that stress reliever was gone, so I had to eat. In the two weeks following, I gained four pounds. I gave myself a deadline for feeling sorry for myself, and once that day came, I was done. I started working out heavily.

In the first week after I was cleared to exercise, I lost 11lbs (but since I gained 4, I really lost 7). In the second week I lost 4.... and I just kept going.

I ran my first 5k a week and a half ago, and since I've discovered running is something I enjoy. Last Saturday I officially became a runner, and now I obsessed. As soon as something upsets me or my emotions get the best of me, I instantly want to run. My obsession with food has officially been replaced.

Now here I am, six months after the start of this journey. I've been thrown so many curve balls, but I keep going; that is how I know I won't go back. I've hit my 80lbs by the end of June; down 4 pant sizes; 27 inches lost overall. I am more proud of myself now, than I have ever been. I can't wait to see what I pull off by the end of the year. Though I've been handed blessing, and tragedy, the biggest blessing I've been given is that of my health. I do have confidence that one day soon, we will complete our family. Until then, I will just keep running.

50lbs to go. :)

The Weight of the Issue

I like to think of myself as a happy person generally. There are parts of me I know will never change and parts of me I still need to work on.

I read a quote today that reminded me of what I need to be doing. It said, "you will never leave where you are until you decide where you need to be." I think this quote is very important for me, especially right now in my life.

I am overweight. Something that I am not thrilled over, but it is also something that has become sort of a security blanket for me. You see, originally, I started gaining weight because everyone said I was too skinny. Then I moved in with my boyfriend and I was depressed... So I gained more. Then I lost some...and then my nieces came to live with me. I gained more over the stress of the situation. I got pregnant and had a baby; I told myself I would lose the weight after my son was born. But I didn't. Instead I continued to gain weight. I tried, or started and stopped rather, many diets. It want until a long talk with my father that I had realized I was sabotaging my health because of my fears.

I feared that if I lost the weight, I would be likely to cheat on my husband. I would be getting attention from other men, I'd enjoy it, and eventually cheat. Again, I discredited myself and made an excuse. I am better than that...

There is a strong emotional component to me not getting healthy again. The more I think about it, the more I realize it's all in my head. I've got to stop these excuses and just decide where I need to be.

I need to be healthy. I need to be happy. I need to be strong, beautiful, girly, athletic, smart, creative, spontaneous, and loved.

It's time to move on. I know where I want to be, now I need to get there. No more excuses.