6 months later

As of the end of this week, (July 5) it will have been 6 months since I started this journey to a healthier lifestyle. The past 6 months have been challenging in more ways than I can count, and I've learned a lot about myself.

I've dealt with two FULL months of having a period. This was due to my body becoming healthy and trying to regulate my menstrual cycle. Up until this journey, my periods were irregular (3 per year on average). During this time, my weight loss slowed. This is mostly due to water gain and bloating, and inability to exercise as hard as I was before. It was really difficult in more ways that just the exercise; I wanted to EAT my cravings, but didn't. So, luckily, after the second full month of menstruating, the doctor assumed that my body was regular and I would resume my 31 day cycle.

WRONG.
On a Tuesday afternoon at work, I was experiencing sharp stabbing pains in my upper abdomen, right below my sternum. I went to the bathroom and was urinating orange. I immediately called my doctor and was told to go to the emergency room. So I left, calling my mom and husband to let them know I was worried and that my doctor thought my gallbladder was to blame. I assumed I would be having surgery or something within hours.

I arrived at the emergency room, was asked to provide a urine sample and then ushered to my room. I sat and waited a while, and my mom and husband kept me company. After an hour, a doctor came in and asked if they were free to share information in front of my family. I would be telling them everything anyway, so I said sure. My doctor said that my gallbladder was fine, and all the tests came back normal.

But I was pregnant. My mom immediately shouted with joy; my husband and I were somewhat in shock. While we have been "trying" for two years, I knew that my weight/not being healthy had much to do with us not getting pregnant. The fact that it had happened within 3 months of starting my weight loss journey was surreal.

The next 6 weeks I was SICK as a dog. I had to stop on the side of the freeway a few times to vomit. I was at work talking with consumers and parents one minute, in the bathroom getting sick the next. It was a rollercoaster that I was overjoyed to be on.

I kept walking, but not working out as heavily as I was before. I wanted to keep my body healthy and prepared to carry a baby. Everyday I walked 1-5 miles, depending on how much energy I had. Every day at lunch I walked at work.

I had my six week appointment with the OB, and they did an ultrasound. There on the screen we were able to see our little bean, baby number two, the completion of our family. We were pretty excited.

One week before my ten week appointment, I felt a change in myself. Every Saturday since I found out I was pregnant, I was DEATHLY sick. It was so bad, I had no energy and didn't want to get out of bed. Then, all of the sudden, I was fine. I instantly thought the early pregnancy symptoms were going away.... but deep down, I knew.

At my ten week appointment, they did another ultrasound because I had reported some bleeding. Sure enough, the baby had stopped growing.

In my head, I rationalized: everything happens for a reason. But my heart was broken. I left the doctor's office and had to go to work. I had to face people and wasn't ready, so I shared by sadness with the people I am closest with and asked them for support. I went home that night and cried for hours. It was the only time I cried. I did let myself eat bad. I wasn't allowed to work out, so that stress reliever was gone, so I had to eat. In the two weeks following, I gained four pounds. I gave myself a deadline for feeling sorry for myself, and once that day came, I was done. I started working out heavily.

In the first week after I was cleared to exercise, I lost 11lbs (but since I gained 4, I really lost 7). In the second week I lost 4.... and I just kept going.

I ran my first 5k a week and a half ago, and since I've discovered running is something I enjoy. Last Saturday I officially became a runner, and now I obsessed. As soon as something upsets me or my emotions get the best of me, I instantly want to run. My obsession with food has officially been replaced.

Now here I am, six months after the start of this journey. I've been thrown so many curve balls, but I keep going; that is how I know I won't go back. I've hit my 80lbs by the end of June; down 4 pant sizes; 27 inches lost overall. I am more proud of myself now, than I have ever been. I can't wait to see what I pull off by the end of the year. Though I've been handed blessing, and tragedy, the biggest blessing I've been given is that of my health. I do have confidence that one day soon, we will complete our family. Until then, I will just keep running.

50lbs to go. :)

Those I've Loved

I wanted to start my blog tonight with one of my all time favorite songs. I think that it's a tragedy that this is a song that was never released as a single. There is so much meaning in this song, and I feel it to my core. I really feel that I am who I am because of those I've loved along the way.

Those I've loved...

This is my grandma Hattie (she was married to that guy Zack that I posted about before...). She died of lung cancer when I was a senior in high school. She smoked for what seemed her whole life and she swore up and down that she needed it to stay thin, and that she was going to, (smoker's creed right here) "die anyway." Well, when her brothers and sisters started dying from diseases related to smoking, she decided she should stop. It was too late. She already had lung cancer. She did treatments, radiation and chemo. I don't remember all the specifics, but I am pretty sure it was a couple rounds. She eventually got brain cancer and it went fast after that.

I remember that the last time I talked to her, she wasn't coherent, but she did tell me to tell everyone it will be all right, that there is a place for her "back home".

I was very angry with her for dying. I felt like people had tried to talk sense into her for so long, and she was so stubborn, she wouldn't have it. She was too young to die, and she left all of us without her. I felt like she was selfish, and maybe not the person I had imagined her to be.

It took me ten years (yes ten!) to realize that she was selfish. That this is how she wanted to live and it was what caused her death. I didn't forgive her completely until recently, but this I do know. The pain, turmoil, anger, and eventual forgiveness of her death changed me. I can't change things. I can only change my reaction.

I love her dearly and miss her often. We will be together again one day I hope!

This is me and my friend Emily. We've been friends since we were 8 years old. That's 22 years of friendship! Crazy!
She's one of those I've loved along the way.
I wish she lived closer, and I wish we were able to talk more. I feel like someone is missing from my life (because she is!). This is my person.

These are my parents. If anyone could be more blessed than me, I'd like to meet their parents just so I can be proven wrong. I've always felt, even when I was angry at the world and swore up and down I hated them, or had Ralphie-like daydreams of them being sorry for the way they treated me, that my parents were the best on the planet. Did they make mistakes? Sure, but I think that they showed me despite the mistakes you make, you have to continue on. Life doesn't stop unless you do, so keep going. Make it count. You only have one life. Life, love, laugh, and keep the important people close. Screw the rest.

This is my brother Steve. He was my best friend for the longest time. He then found a new best friend in his wife Brittany, which is good. That's the way it should be. My brother and I were brought up to rely on one another; to communicate and solve any problems we had with each other... and it worked. That's why we were so close. People often asked if we were twins. Well, if twins can be born three years apart....

My brother has taught me a lot about not only him, but about myself. There are parts of him that I wish I had; I wish I were more outgoing. I wish I were more carefree. More laid back. He's taught me to let go... and stop being so uptight! I love him with all my heart and it kills me that he's miles away now, but I know he's doing it to make himself a better person. A better husband and eventually an awesome dad. He will do great in life, and I am so proud to be his sister.

These are my grandparents on my mom's side. My grandmother can be infuriating at times. She's self-centered and mean at times. She is my constant test for patience! I love her, I truly do. When I was a kid she took us places and did things with all of her grandchildren; not all children were as lucky as I was to have 4 grandparents! She did instill one thing in my life for which I am thankful: faith. It may not be according to a bible, but I believe in God and I believe that God loves all his people, regardless of color, creed, nationality, sexual orientation, or gender. God is all knowing and all loving.

My grandpa, on the other hand was always the example of patience. He was always patient with grandma when maybe he shouldn't have been. He also worked harder than many people I've ever known. His faith in his grandchildren and children is unwavering. He always believes in the best of them.

This is a good majority of those I've loved in my life. Of course I haven't begun to talk about my child or my husband, let alone all the jerks along the way too... I guess I will get to everything eventually. For now, I want to remember what these people have taught me and brought to my life: love, strength, lessons, faith, fun, and patience. I am always in need of more patience. I think the world is too...

The Weight of the Issue

I like to think of myself as a happy person generally. There are parts of me I know will never change and parts of me I still need to work on.

I read a quote today that reminded me of what I need to be doing. It said, "you will never leave where you are until you decide where you need to be." I think this quote is very important for me, especially right now in my life.

I am overweight. Something that I am not thrilled over, but it is also something that has become sort of a security blanket for me. You see, originally, I started gaining weight because everyone said I was too skinny. Then I moved in with my boyfriend and I was depressed... So I gained more. Then I lost some...and then my nieces came to live with me. I gained more over the stress of the situation. I got pregnant and had a baby; I told myself I would lose the weight after my son was born. But I didn't. Instead I continued to gain weight. I tried, or started and stopped rather, many diets. It want until a long talk with my father that I had realized I was sabotaging my health because of my fears.

I feared that if I lost the weight, I would be likely to cheat on my husband. I would be getting attention from other men, I'd enjoy it, and eventually cheat. Again, I discredited myself and made an excuse. I am better than that...

There is a strong emotional component to me not getting healthy again. The more I think about it, the more I realize it's all in my head. I've got to stop these excuses and just decide where I need to be.

I need to be healthy. I need to be happy. I need to be strong, beautiful, girly, athletic, smart, creative, spontaneous, and loved.

It's time to move on. I know where I want to be, now I need to get there. No more excuses.