Those I've Loved

I wanted to start my blog tonight with one of my all time favorite songs. I think that it's a tragedy that this is a song that was never released as a single. There is so much meaning in this song, and I feel it to my core. I really feel that I am who I am because of those I've loved along the way.

Those I've loved...

This is my grandma Hattie (she was married to that guy Zack that I posted about before...). She died of lung cancer when I was a senior in high school. She smoked for what seemed her whole life and she swore up and down that she needed it to stay thin, and that she was going to, (smoker's creed right here) "die anyway." Well, when her brothers and sisters started dying from diseases related to smoking, she decided she should stop. It was too late. She already had lung cancer. She did treatments, radiation and chemo. I don't remember all the specifics, but I am pretty sure it was a couple rounds. She eventually got brain cancer and it went fast after that.

I remember that the last time I talked to her, she wasn't coherent, but she did tell me to tell everyone it will be all right, that there is a place for her "back home".

I was very angry with her for dying. I felt like people had tried to talk sense into her for so long, and she was so stubborn, she wouldn't have it. She was too young to die, and she left all of us without her. I felt like she was selfish, and maybe not the person I had imagined her to be.

It took me ten years (yes ten!) to realize that she was selfish. That this is how she wanted to live and it was what caused her death. I didn't forgive her completely until recently, but this I do know. The pain, turmoil, anger, and eventual forgiveness of her death changed me. I can't change things. I can only change my reaction.

I love her dearly and miss her often. We will be together again one day I hope!

This is me and my friend Emily. We've been friends since we were 8 years old. That's 22 years of friendship! Crazy!
She's one of those I've loved along the way.
I wish she lived closer, and I wish we were able to talk more. I feel like someone is missing from my life (because she is!). This is my person.

These are my parents. If anyone could be more blessed than me, I'd like to meet their parents just so I can be proven wrong. I've always felt, even when I was angry at the world and swore up and down I hated them, or had Ralphie-like daydreams of them being sorry for the way they treated me, that my parents were the best on the planet. Did they make mistakes? Sure, but I think that they showed me despite the mistakes you make, you have to continue on. Life doesn't stop unless you do, so keep going. Make it count. You only have one life. Life, love, laugh, and keep the important people close. Screw the rest.

This is my brother Steve. He was my best friend for the longest time. He then found a new best friend in his wife Brittany, which is good. That's the way it should be. My brother and I were brought up to rely on one another; to communicate and solve any problems we had with each other... and it worked. That's why we were so close. People often asked if we were twins. Well, if twins can be born three years apart....

My brother has taught me a lot about not only him, but about myself. There are parts of him that I wish I had; I wish I were more outgoing. I wish I were more carefree. More laid back. He's taught me to let go... and stop being so uptight! I love him with all my heart and it kills me that he's miles away now, but I know he's doing it to make himself a better person. A better husband and eventually an awesome dad. He will do great in life, and I am so proud to be his sister.

These are my grandparents on my mom's side. My grandmother can be infuriating at times. She's self-centered and mean at times. She is my constant test for patience! I love her, I truly do. When I was a kid she took us places and did things with all of her grandchildren; not all children were as lucky as I was to have 4 grandparents! She did instill one thing in my life for which I am thankful: faith. It may not be according to a bible, but I believe in God and I believe that God loves all his people, regardless of color, creed, nationality, sexual orientation, or gender. God is all knowing and all loving.

My grandpa, on the other hand was always the example of patience. He was always patient with grandma when maybe he shouldn't have been. He also worked harder than many people I've ever known. His faith in his grandchildren and children is unwavering. He always believes in the best of them.

This is a good majority of those I've loved in my life. Of course I haven't begun to talk about my child or my husband, let alone all the jerks along the way too... I guess I will get to everything eventually. For now, I want to remember what these people have taught me and brought to my life: love, strength, lessons, faith, fun, and patience. I am always in need of more patience. I think the world is too...