Yearning..

Everywhere you look, (or at least to me, it seems) people are getting pregnant. I would need my fingers and toes to count off all the people that I know who are pregnant. One person who isn't pregnant? Me.

We've been trying to conceive for 15 months now, and we are pretty determined to make it happen naturally... let it happen when it needs to, no stress. For the most part, I feel no stress. I am not in any hurry!

When I look around and see more and more people announcing their pregnancy, however, I feel a twinge of pain deep inside. 15 months is a long time.... and I could just say I am happy with the wonderful little boy I have and move on. I feel that my family isn't complete. I feel like something is missing. So each time another person announces their pregnancy, my heart hurts because I am not so fortunate. I have a sister in law and a brother also trying to conceive and I can imagine that they are in the same boat I am, maybe more so since they've not yet had a child.

I want my body, and my God to know that I pray every night and sometimes day too, for this child I've not yet created. I want her so badly. I say her because I know it's a her.

Hopefully soon we will get the blessing we need to complete our family.

Falling in Love with Autism

Today I am reminded of another thing that has shaped my life and who I am. Each year, people in central Ohio gather to take part in Walk Now for Autism Speaks. This is my group, I am hiding under the tree.

I have been working with kids with autism since 2001. I was a high school graduate, going to college to major in psychology, but I didn't know why. I knew I wanted to work with people. I knew I wanted to do something to help, teach, or fight, but I wasn't sure what. That summer I started working with a little boy, who we will call Samuel. 

Samuel was only 3 years old. He was only slightly verbal (words were just emerging) and engaged in tantrum behavior such as throwing objects, headbanging, and biting. I wasn't sure what I had gotten myself into for this "internship" for college. This was supposed to be a way to get perspective and volunteer at the same time. I was hit, bit, kicked, had a chair thrown at my face. None of that seemed to matter when Samuel looked at me and said, "Happy Sam". He was telling me that I made him happy. I fell in love with autism right there. I worked with him for 5 years and watched him grow. 

I stopped working with Samuel when I started working at Step By Step Academy (SBSA).  SBSA is a center based treatment center for kids on the spectrum. With my bachelors in psychology, I set to work to change the world, one child with autism at a time. 

Over the years, there have been many kids that I have worked with, however, there are ones that have a tug on my heart still. Each of them have had their challenges, but at the end of the day, I knew I was making a difference. I think one of the greatest things about autism is that it makes you appreciate your own life, your own shortcomings, issues, problems, etc. It makes you stop and think, "Is this really that important?"

The second time I fell in love with autism was at SBSA. This time was with a little girl, who we will call Ann. Ann was very different from Samuel (another great thing about autism; no two kids are alike!). Ann was bright, quick, and funny. Ann reminded me of myself in many ways; independent, head-strong, and encouraging. Ann didn't fair well with everyone, but Ann and I were a an instant hit. We bonded immediately and could be seen laughing and running through the hallways at the center. I loved that little girl; or I should say love. She's a teen now, and I still get to spend time with her here and there. She's still amazing, still head-strong, and still independent.

There have been several other kids that have impacted and further created my love for autism. After all, autism tells you, "Ms. Sam, why do you have those nasty things on your face?"(acne), or "I don't like your shirt, it's ugly." or even, "Bullshit. There's your compound word. Bull-Shit." 

12 years later, and over 6 years at Step By Step Academy, and falling in love with autism has been a defining moment for my career. It's shaped who I am, and who I want to be. I want to continue working and fighting for kids and families with autism. 

If you've not yet experienced autism, I encourage you to do so. There is something great about this diagnosis that makes even the worst moments worth it. 

Those I've Loved

I wanted to start my blog tonight with one of my all time favorite songs. I think that it's a tragedy that this is a song that was never released as a single. There is so much meaning in this song, and I feel it to my core. I really feel that I am who I am because of those I've loved along the way.

Those I've loved...

This is my grandma Hattie (she was married to that guy Zack that I posted about before...). She died of lung cancer when I was a senior in high school. She smoked for what seemed her whole life and she swore up and down that she needed it to stay thin, and that she was going to, (smoker's creed right here) "die anyway." Well, when her brothers and sisters started dying from diseases related to smoking, she decided she should stop. It was too late. She already had lung cancer. She did treatments, radiation and chemo. I don't remember all the specifics, but I am pretty sure it was a couple rounds. She eventually got brain cancer and it went fast after that.

I remember that the last time I talked to her, she wasn't coherent, but she did tell me to tell everyone it will be all right, that there is a place for her "back home".

I was very angry with her for dying. I felt like people had tried to talk sense into her for so long, and she was so stubborn, she wouldn't have it. She was too young to die, and she left all of us without her. I felt like she was selfish, and maybe not the person I had imagined her to be.

It took me ten years (yes ten!) to realize that she was selfish. That this is how she wanted to live and it was what caused her death. I didn't forgive her completely until recently, but this I do know. The pain, turmoil, anger, and eventual forgiveness of her death changed me. I can't change things. I can only change my reaction.

I love her dearly and miss her often. We will be together again one day I hope!

This is me and my friend Emily. We've been friends since we were 8 years old. That's 22 years of friendship! Crazy!
She's one of those I've loved along the way.
I wish she lived closer, and I wish we were able to talk more. I feel like someone is missing from my life (because she is!). This is my person.

These are my parents. If anyone could be more blessed than me, I'd like to meet their parents just so I can be proven wrong. I've always felt, even when I was angry at the world and swore up and down I hated them, or had Ralphie-like daydreams of them being sorry for the way they treated me, that my parents were the best on the planet. Did they make mistakes? Sure, but I think that they showed me despite the mistakes you make, you have to continue on. Life doesn't stop unless you do, so keep going. Make it count. You only have one life. Life, love, laugh, and keep the important people close. Screw the rest.

This is my brother Steve. He was my best friend for the longest time. He then found a new best friend in his wife Brittany, which is good. That's the way it should be. My brother and I were brought up to rely on one another; to communicate and solve any problems we had with each other... and it worked. That's why we were so close. People often asked if we were twins. Well, if twins can be born three years apart....

My brother has taught me a lot about not only him, but about myself. There are parts of him that I wish I had; I wish I were more outgoing. I wish I were more carefree. More laid back. He's taught me to let go... and stop being so uptight! I love him with all my heart and it kills me that he's miles away now, but I know he's doing it to make himself a better person. A better husband and eventually an awesome dad. He will do great in life, and I am so proud to be his sister.

These are my grandparents on my mom's side. My grandmother can be infuriating at times. She's self-centered and mean at times. She is my constant test for patience! I love her, I truly do. When I was a kid she took us places and did things with all of her grandchildren; not all children were as lucky as I was to have 4 grandparents! She did instill one thing in my life for which I am thankful: faith. It may not be according to a bible, but I believe in God and I believe that God loves all his people, regardless of color, creed, nationality, sexual orientation, or gender. God is all knowing and all loving.

My grandpa, on the other hand was always the example of patience. He was always patient with grandma when maybe he shouldn't have been. He also worked harder than many people I've ever known. His faith in his grandchildren and children is unwavering. He always believes in the best of them.

This is a good majority of those I've loved in my life. Of course I haven't begun to talk about my child or my husband, let alone all the jerks along the way too... I guess I will get to everything eventually. For now, I want to remember what these people have taught me and brought to my life: love, strength, lessons, faith, fun, and patience. I am always in need of more patience. I think the world is too...

The Weight of the Issue

I like to think of myself as a happy person generally. There are parts of me I know will never change and parts of me I still need to work on.

I read a quote today that reminded me of what I need to be doing. It said, "you will never leave where you are until you decide where you need to be." I think this quote is very important for me, especially right now in my life.

I am overweight. Something that I am not thrilled over, but it is also something that has become sort of a security blanket for me. You see, originally, I started gaining weight because everyone said I was too skinny. Then I moved in with my boyfriend and I was depressed... So I gained more. Then I lost some...and then my nieces came to live with me. I gained more over the stress of the situation. I got pregnant and had a baby; I told myself I would lose the weight after my son was born. But I didn't. Instead I continued to gain weight. I tried, or started and stopped rather, many diets. It want until a long talk with my father that I had realized I was sabotaging my health because of my fears.

I feared that if I lost the weight, I would be likely to cheat on my husband. I would be getting attention from other men, I'd enjoy it, and eventually cheat. Again, I discredited myself and made an excuse. I am better than that...

There is a strong emotional component to me not getting healthy again. The more I think about it, the more I realize it's all in my head. I've got to stop these excuses and just decide where I need to be.

I need to be healthy. I need to be happy. I need to be strong, beautiful, girly, athletic, smart, creative, spontaneous, and loved.

It's time to move on. I know where I want to be, now I need to get there. No more excuses.